My entire #GBWritesWithOthers theme for 2020 is about learning from quarantine, but I feel compelled to write another piece about something unique to me during this time of my life. My thirties have been a confusing period. I want so many competing things.

• I want to rise to career greatness as a content marketer.

• I want to work in a mostly remote capacity.

• I want to curate art shows.

• I want to have to have a child.

• I want to be near family.

• I want to be near the lakes and oceans.

• I want to move to Maine.

• I want to live in Beverly.

• I want to do honest farm work.

• I want to finish my novel.

• I want to be a writer.

• I want to be a strategist.

• I want to close sales.

• I want to read books.

• I want to cook, slowly.

• I want my old body back.

• I want to sit around and do nothing.

• I want to swear off social media.

• I want to build social media into campaigns that mean something.

• I want to be near friends.

• I want to stay safe.

• I want the past.

• I want the future.

• I want things to go back to “normal.”

• I know the “normal” I once knew isn’t going to be a thing ever again.

• I want to stop having conversations of “consent” around coronavirus.

• I want to be in my safe “consent” bubble.

Many of these ideas directly conflict. The fact is, as I get older, more and more things I once wanted don’t click with my desire to protect my mental health or move forward toward meaning.

I don’t think it’s a secret that I am currently unemployed / open to freelance opportunities (I don’t expect this to extend), and during the downtime (if you can call it that as I am marketing myself and applying for work), I’ve had a lot of time to think. What is important to me? The notes that keep coming up are:

• I want a less stressful existence rooted in creativity.

• I want to slow down in order to use my mind fully.

This has directly changed the way I search for roles. Now, I think about whether I can or cannot take the position “on the road” with me, or if I am settling in a spot where I will be destined to rent or own a condo for the next few years. Despite having things largely up in the air, or “in the inquiry” as my mother would say, I have determined the following:

• I want a house, and I want to stop moving.

• I want to work toward having a child with my wonderful husband.

• I need to get back to working on my book.

• I need to be near some natural beauty.

• I want a full-time, steady role where I can spend my time building myself into a full person and enjoying my after-work hours.

• I am not okay with waiting for any of this beyond a year.

I hope some of those goals and notions translate toward a defined answer soon. Much of the questions center around geography. Will I move to Maine and deal with winter head-on? Will I wait to move to New Hampshire and eventually purchase my parent’s home? Will I stay in Massachusetts and continue to rent my beautiful space? I’m not sure…I suppose I will wait to be struck by inspiration while continuing to research.

All I know is this. I spent time at a lake this week, and looking down from my float I saw bands of electric sunlight radiate down my legs in rainbows. I felt alive…and happy. And for now, that’s enough.