Self-Awareness Overload by Gillian Barnes (@geezfresh)

I can’t believe the close of another round of #GBWritesWithOthers is upon us and now it's my turn to share why I've learned. It's hard to pick just one subject as I feel like this period of time has been one of constant pivoting, but I would say (and yes, it is an umbrella term) I have learned the most about self-awareness.

Being alone with yourself is hard. I mean, in my case I live with a partner, so I haven't been fully alone like some people (side note: you are warriors!), but for many more hours than is typical I have been "alone with my brain."

I can't plan everything. Damn.

I write about this a lot, so I apologize for the re-hash, but it is sort of necessary to explain my next point. I'm a strategist. I plan everything. Guess what can't happen during a pandemic? Planning. During this time my first response was to plan, backup plan, and triple backup plan. Planning calms me, but the fact is, most of that planning was for naught.

However, despite my initial disappointment in finding this out (and all-out depression some days), I have learned that I can think about different situations without committing. I can run numbers and dream without execution. This has been valuable to me as I now know how to roll with it (as much as my personality will allow) much better than I have in the past.

Self-care is hard.

The first few months of quarantine left me confused. I lacked a routine. I wanted to sleep in like a slug, and I let myself do that. Now let me tell you, that was the first mistake. Pre-pandemic, as I have never been a morning person, I would wake myself up 1-2 hours early to get ready. No, I'm not a prima donna with my makeup etc., what I mean is that I need time to mentally awaken. It takes me several cups of coffee, a shower, and really, just time to be my best. In the beginning, I let that slip. Don't get me wrong, I still got things done, but I didn't feel good about them.

I also bit my nails to an absurd degree, indulged in extra calories, and really just lived a very sumptuous life. As punishment, I put on some extra weight, lost a significant amount of energy, and withdrew from many things that made me happy. It was a bad scene.

Recently, I started changing that. I started nightly tea drinking to calm my body and mind. I began painting my nails so that I couldn't bite them as easily (truly gross habit...but that's me!). I got into playing story and planning-based games to calm myself (Stardew Valley). And finally, I started this project back up to force myself to reengage with the writing community on Twitter and beyond.

I still have more work to do. For example, at some point I have to get into a consistent workout schedule, but I am now in a much healthier place where I am prioritizing what makes me happy and calm.

I have two selves, and they need to blend better. No more 50/50 split.

We all have different character traits, but during these past few months I've realized I have two distinct personalities. The first is the CEO and that woman runs things. She gets sh*t done. She knows what's best and won't hear anything else. She's kind of awful sometimes and she has not been thriving during quarantine.

The second is a sort of homebody. She enjoys freshly washed laundry. She likes reading books and having multiple hour philosophical conversations. She dreams about traveling and appreciates beauty. Someday, she might buy a house in Maine or Kyoto and never come back. She writes when inspiration strikes and when she is obligated to. She cares about her family and friends above all else. This latter person is who I am becoming, with a dash of the former.

My goals and intensity have netted me promotions and other accolades, but they have also made me unhappy. I have realized that I can still maintain a bit of the CEO while relaxing. It's okay. I like that. I am going to strive to be an 80/20 person from here on out with the calmer Gillian running things and the CEO in check. She's still valuable, but sometimes ambition needs to take a backseat to mental health.

I ask too much of people.

I don't think it's a secret that sometimes I hold people up to the standards I set for myself (which are quite high, and sometimes ridiculous). I've stopped doing that as much. In one particular instance, and for anonymity I will keep this as blanket as possible, I learned about someone's home life and it changed how I look at how they achieve things. People are genuinely trying their best and they all have different levels of achievement etc. I am really trying to see people more fully now (I can't promise I will uphold this 24/7, but I am TRYING).

I want what my parents have.

Oh, dear. This isn't the first time I've written about my stepmother being correct, and trust me, it won't be the last. In the past, she and father mentioned leaving me my childhood home. It made sense as I am an only child, but I remember distinctly firing back with "well, I'm just going to sell it. There's no way I will live in New Hampshire." I believe I even made an ICK noise.

That girl was CRAZY! These days I've found myself dreaming of inheriting or purchasing that home. It's a place of possibilities. I see my husband and I raising children of our own there, eventually finishing the basement and making an art studio in it, or even planting a full-blown garden...I think I only see it now because I've had time to sit with my priorities and realize what they need to be as opposed to what I thought they should be. I'm officially old, nostalgic, and focused on going gray happily at the age of 33. What is happening?

The new Gillian

When we emerge from this time, I think we will all be different, and that certainly isn’t a bad thing. I will still be career-focused, but I will tamper that with a deep respect for others. Here’s to 2021 because 2020 is almost in the rearview mirror.