[FOREWARD]: I want to thank Gillian, to the fullest extension of gratitude, for the opportunity to participate in her “Writing With Others” event. Essentially, she is giving me an opportunity to have my work and style to be seen by her readers and that consideration is valuable. Thank you, the reader, for the time and energy you are spending on reading my contribution — thank you, Gillian, for allowing me the opportunity to exist within your creative universe!

What did I learn from #QuarantineLife? I’ve had the opportunity to meditate on how this era in time will shape me. I’ve learned a lot about life and myself. You could say that I’ve received an education in self from the Quarantine University. I began writing this blog with the intent of being serious and introspective, but that’s just not my style. So, for your entertainment, I’ve put together a course listing for my freshman year at Quarantine University.

There’s something very important that I need you to know: when faced with something stressful or worrisome, the members of my family elect to laugh at it. It’s a perfectly natural stress response and it’s how we’ve coped with the worst that life can throw at us. When you read my blog, scratch your head and ask “how did this knucklehead make it this far in life?”, just keep in mind that I have navigated the Quarantine and pandemic by allowing myself to laugh at it.

[DISCLAIMER]: The following are fictional courses that I would have to take and are not intended as commentaries towards any individual or generation.

Quarantine University
Home of the Fightin’ Immune Systems
Course Listing - Fall Semester
Student: Miller, A.P.

Intro to Telecommuting - (2 Credits) - the basic concepts and etiquette of working from home and engaging colleagues through a teleconferencing platform. Major topics of study include:

• Muting the microphone when flatulence occurs.

• When and where not to wear pants while working from home.

• Making sure you are in the right chat window when you want to tell a coworker that if your boss had their head any further up their own butt, they’d have to pad their shoulders with toilet paper.

• When “Quarantine Hair, Don’t Care” is and is not the appropriate hill to die on.

Final project will be an endurance test of how long you can sit at your computer without checking social media on your phone.

Domestic Engineering 191 - (3 Credits) - An intense focus and study on living in a world where going to a restaurant or grabbing a quick bite just isn’t an option. Primary learning for these points are:

• Planning to prepare sustenance over a period of a few days or weeks.

• Proper refrigeration.

• How the smell test is not accurate...ever.

• Medium rare chicken is not a thing and it will kill you.

Your final grade will be assessed on whether or not you starve to death.

Interperson Relationships 110 - (2 Credits) - So you have no one to socialize with but yourself, and let’s be honest: no one likes that person, not even you. This course will take you through the intricacies and nuances of coming to terms with your garbage personality. Course focus:

• Yes, you are annoying when you chew.

• Well no one else has been through your apartment/house/dorm, I guess you are the one leaving all the messes around the place.

• Is it a drinking problem if you have no choice but to socially drink alone?

• Was your last break up your fault and are they better off without you?

Final project: keeping a log of how many bad habits you’ve eliminated vs. adopted.

Social Media Etiquette and Execution 119 - (2 Credits) - This course is a reminder that everything you say and do on the internet is forever, especially your social media presence. The things you say and post online will haunt you. Course highlights:

• Are you trying to open the eyes of the masses or going out of your way to be an a**hole? Knowing the difference.

• Reading the virtual room — is now the appropriate time to share your opinions on world events?

• If you didn’t take a picture of what you ate, did you really even eat it?

• Dodging your grandma’s questions about what internet acronyms mean.

Your final grade will be determined by reading Facebook posts from people you went to high school with and determining the most appropriate response between “say nothing” and “are you ***ing kidding me?!”

Reintegration into Civilization 183 - (4 Credits) - You aren’t going to be living like a hermit forever, and will eventually have to interact with people again. This course is designed to sharpen and maintain the skills you may have lost while in quarantine and lockdown. Course objective:

• Remembering what personal space is and how to respect it.

• There are consequences for mouthing off to other human beings and there is no anonymity to protect you when you do it in public.

• When is the appropriate time to comment on how much weight someone has gained in quarantine: never.

• Personal grooming is no longer an option, but necessity.

The final exam will be a combination of multiple choice questions, essays on how to speak with other human beings, and a teleconference simulation of actual human interaction.

Recommended courses for Spring Semester:

• Appropriate Workplace Speaking Volume 201

• Managing Separation Anxiety in Pets Now That You Have to Go Back To Work 226

• Reversing the Damaging Effects of Having Been Able to Use Rampant Vulgarity Without Moderation or Consequence 291

Have a Wonderful Semester!

Thank you all, again, for reading my work and allowing myself in your realm of notice! It is my sincere hope that you all are taking every precaution to stay healthy and happy! 

Sincerely,
-A.P.

If you enjoyed this piece, please follow A.P. Miller on Twitter @Millerverse. ‬