You may be asking yourself “what kind of low brow caveman would write such a piece?” The short answer: a guy who refers to himself as “The Archduke of Mayhem.” This piece, however, was a semi request/dare from Ms. Gillian Barnes herself. I made a joke about writing a piece about getting your grandma to talk about her hoe phase at Thanksgiving dinner, and Gillian’s reply was “OMG Write That.” If this year’s “Gillian Writes With Others” is starting off with bathroom humor, blame Gillian.

Also: MANY thanks to Gillian for allowing me to contribute to her event for the third year in a row! Thank YOU for reading my piece! I’m contributing for the same reasons I’ve contributed the past two years: Gillian has a great network of talent and voracious readers and I couldn’t pass up an opportunity for my work to be seen in front of such an incredible audience!

Introduction: If you weren’t aware, I am very sorry to have to be the one to tell you, but your parents had sex at least once. By proxy, that means your grandparents (both sides) had sex, at least once. I live for absurdity. I look at my grandmother and see a woman who washes her hands nine-billion times after trimming her nails, thinks the handsome gay couple next door are two of the best friends on planet Earth, and I know that I’ve never heard that woman drop the F-Bomb once. The absurdity of thinking that Grandma was once dancing on top of a bar, like the movie Coyote Ugly, makes me giggle.

I have three uncles; add in my mom’s birthday, and the math says my grandparents took the bus trip to pound town at least four times. My absurdity angle? What if I could get my grandma to admit that she was a wild-child in her youth? For this year’s “Writes With Others,” I’m giving you twelve ways to get Gran-Gran talk about her hoe phase.

[WARNING]: Following this advice is going to cause Nana to talk about the times she’s taken a ride on the space needle. It’s going to be uncomfortable, you won’t be able to look her in the eye for a while, but the sheer look of disgust on your parents’ face will be worth it!

One: Tell Grandma a joke — Any classless, dirty joke will do, but it has to be one that Grandma will laugh at. After delivering the joke, encourage Grandma to tell one back. We’re trying to establish rapport. If you can get Grandma to laugh at a joke like “Pointer? I don’t even know ‘er!” you are going to get her to tell some classic gold. The more Grandma’s denture grip loosens up, you’re on the highway to hearing about all of Grandma’s scores and sores.

Two: Ask Grandma when she discovered Grandpa had “Low T” — This tactic is to get Grandma to think back to the times when she was getting lovin’ on the reg. Admittedly, no one wants to think about their Grandfather not having mojo, but getting to the jackpot of getting Grandma to admit that she was a “Runaround Sue” might be worth the wretching. Asking Grandma about Grandpa’s Low T is going to get her talking about how regularly she was getting it, that opens up spots to ask about times before Grandpa when she had to get dressed in a rear-view mirror so that Great-Grandpa didn’t find out about teenage indiscretions. 

Three: Tell Grandma your mom or dad was “hoe shaming” you — This is a two-parter. Essentially, you are trying to play the sympathy angle and get Grandma to open up about your parents’ hoe phase, which will be brutal enough to hear, and then you have to double-down on the sorrow. If your Grandma knows her grandbaby, she’ll start talking about those pep-rallies back in the day. A word of caution: if you have to lie, your parents may turn this around as an admission of a hoe phase and you might be in trouble, or ex-communicated (depending on your familial religious affiliation).  

Four: Tell Grandma you watched “an old movie,” that you think she may have been an “actress,” and ask her if she’s ever been in “movies” under a “stage name” — If you are going to allude that Nana may have been a Mattress Actress, you had better be vague! One, you run the risk of telling everyone at the holiday table that you enjoy vintage smut. Two, you run the risk of hearing about relatives’ smut proclivities. Use this one with absolute caution!

Five: Booze — I don’t know about you all, but distilled refreshments is the easiest way to get me to open up about stuff. It’s mostly my opinions on whether the death penalty is the appropriate punishment for animal abuse (it is), but it is undiluted truth. Start pouring out drinks and start asking the heavy questions. Caution: please be aware of Mee-Maw’s medications, and how they react to alcohol, before you start getting Grandma doing body-shots.

Six: Indignification at the “how many girls does a guy need to sleep with to be called a slut?” double standard — Would my Grandma respond to this? No, but my Grandma is also the same kind of woman who would say she’s having trouble with her hearing aid, even though she doesn’t wear one. With this tactic, you’re trying to tap into Granny’s youthful rage, and rebellious fire.

Seven: Watch “Forrest Gump” with Grandma — Jenny, cinema’s most loveable hussy. The great thing about the movie is that it is all the historical context you’d need. Jenny is doing ballet on a balcony while Free Bird is ripping, piles of booger sugar on the table, Grandma is thinking about years gone by. Once she’s invested in the movie, you are one “was it really like that?” away from getting Grandma to talk about how youth, and possibly how many notches were on her lipstick case.

Eight: Play records from Grandma’s youth — When I get old, oldies stations are going to be playing “Butterfly” by Crazy Town, “Low” by T-Pain, and “Hot In Herre” by Nelly. Nursing homes are going to have signs that say “no twerking during lunch service” and it will be glorious. I make this point because songs of one’s youth is the fast track to memories. I’m not sure if the Beach Boys have an equivalent to Flo Rida’s “Whistle,” but it is sure to do the trick.

Nine: Ask Grandma which vintage vehicle has the roomiest back seat — Obvious, right? Be prepared for Grandma to answer and for Grandpa to realize he never drove that kind of vehicle. Grandpa may start talking about how roomy his backseat was, but f*** him, he grew up in a day and age when no one talked about guys being hoes.

Ten: Use the phrase “Like a sailor on shore leave” and see if Grandma goes somewhere in her mind — This tactic works GREAT with the booze tactic. Understanding that I am an idiot who enjoys familial friction almost as much as he loves absurdity, I would use this one because my Grandfather was in the army, and I wouldn’t mind seeing him get taken down a few pegs.

Eleven: Ask Grandma what it was like wearing the first two-piece bathing suit — Grandma is a human being, right? People want freedom, separation from norms and obligations, and I’m sure Grandma is no different. I’m sure Grandma remembers what it was like not having to wear a swimsuit that went to her wrists and ankles, just like she remembers where she was when historical events happened. Grandma is going to remember that freedom, and may even remember the name of the first boy who got to see her navel.

Twelve: Straight up ask “Grandma, have you ever had a hoe phase?” — Grandma is old, but she isn’t stupid. She’ll figure out quickly what you’re up to. If you think about it, Grandma raised a line of people who resulted in the person you are. If you have the stones to wonder what Grandma’s life was like, surely Grandma has the stones to tell you about it if you ask.

While writing this piece, I got to thinking about Grandmas as people—not mine, she’s an android—and the lives they must have led. We’re in this ever-evolving state of change and our Grandmas are evidence that we come from durable bloodlines that have the strength to endure what the world will throw at us. If your Grandma had a hoe phase, do we really give a rat’s ass? Was it a hoe phase, or did Grandma have a unique way of expressing and receiving love? What one does with their corporeal form is of no one’s concern but self.

Have fun with Grandma this holiday season, but also give her a hug, and acknowledge that she was a vibrant main character in a wonderful story—tell Grandma you’d love to hear that story again as many times as she’d like to tell it. 

Thank you again to Gillian for allowing me to contribute to this year’s event. Also, congratulations on the new addition to your family. When that child has a child, and that child says says “Grandma, do you want to hear a joke?”, remember that you brought this on yourself.

Sincerely,
-A.P.

If you enjoyed this piece, please follow A.P. Miller on Twitter @Millerverse.