Grief burns low and hot

Sometimes it rages

Others it’s smoldering 

But it’s eternal

Unable to be snuffed out

I stand tall by day

Overwhelmed and overburdened 

With the weight of my work

But it helps me hide 

The pain of your loss and all that came after

If I dwell on it, I begin to drown

Water rushing into my open mouth

Filling my nose

Sputtering panic with every breath 

Feeling the lure of succumbing 

Just because I have survived it

Does not mean that I am thriving 

I want to be ok

I try to be

Is there a choice?

I think about you all the time

The laughs, the tears and the adolescent rage

Wet kisses and bear hugs 

Tough as nails, always in charge

That apple didn’t fall far 

Orphaned, I feel so solitary 

Jealous of the parents others still have

And most sadly take for granted 

My child will never know you

But they will never forget your legacy 

Our relationships were complicated 

Nuanced and full of love

But also seething with a darkness 

A resentment for your poor choices

But more so, their impact on me

I wish I could have said goodbye

But both so steeped in obstinacy, of course I could not get my way

Instead laying bloodied in the grass

A fallen soldier not going gently

Hoping time and nature will heal my open wounds

 

The sun still rises

The loons call eerily through the night

The saddest of mourning songs, the piano man 

The cycle of life always churning

Butter. Eyes wide shut. Sleep.