Self-love has to be the most widely used buzz term of 2018 and it seems to be making a play to stay on top for 2019 as well.
I am in no way hating on self-love. I fully support regular massage, chiropractic appointments, bubble baths…whatever you need to be your best self.
However, I wonder if many of us who are practicing self-love really believe in loving ourselves?
For those who don’t know, I am working towards not only launching my first novel this year, but also becoming a healthier, happier individual. All of this sounds wonderful in practice, but somedays are simply harder than others. Today was one of those days.
Let me tell you a story…
I woke up one morning about a week ago and jumped on my old friend (enemy?) the scale. I strongly dislike the scale. I have a very toxic relationship with that piece of technology, yet I still find myself tied to it..anyhow, today I got on and found myself heavier than I have been all week. I was astonished and dismayed. But no matter, I hopped off quickly and my phone’s app recorded nothing. I thought that I was in the clear. I would simply lose that pound by hitting the gym harder!
But the world had other plans for me! My husband, who is heavily invested in his own fitness routine decided today would be his weigh-in date. He stepped on and howled, “this thing thinks I’m obese!” There were more angry comments about it malfunctioning…and I realized I would have to tell him that it was not in fact malfunctioning, but completing a reading from earlier.
Now I need to be clear. My husband is an incredibly motivational and supportive force in my life. He eats what I do most times so that I can stay on track. He tells me to be active when I would rather stay in potato form on the couch. He’s a good man. Which, unfortunately, made it all the worse that I was hearing that word, obese, drip from his mouth with such fury.
I’m not going to lie. I burst into tears.
He didn’t understand because, in his mind, he was mad at the technology. He repeatedly told me it had nothing to do with me. I couldn’t hear him.
All of my weight-based, body dysmorphia flooded in. I couldn’t hold back the number I held secret any more. My hate for myself washed over me until I drowned in it and it became still more tears. I cried for a long time.
Why am I sharing this? Well, I want you to know that sometimes even if you practice self-love, it’s okay to feel like you hate yourself while you are doing it. I mean, it isn’t okay, but if you do, just keep working towards liking yourself. It isn’t going to happen all at once.
Sometimes you will smile at yourself in the mirror and think, “Wow! What a cool person!” but that is simply not going to happen every day. And that’s alright. We are all works in progress. We just have to remember that and realize that some day, we will be people that we want to love. But above all, know this fact…when you are at your lowest, you are worth loving. Love you. It’s much better than the alternative.