As a dance teacher, I have seen children come through my classes with all kinds of families. Just last year, I had one student in particular whose dad brought her to class every single week. Despite not knowing anything about tutus or ballet shoes, he helped foster a love of dance in his daughter by bringing her to class week after week.
When it came time for our annual recital, this particular father asked me if I would help fix his daughter’s hair and makeup. Dads were not allowed to be in the dressing room backstage, so I gladly agreed to help. While helping this adorable five-year-old get ready for her very first dance recital, she excitedly explained to me that her mommy was coming to watch her dance later that day. I told her how wonderful I thought that was and that I was happy to finally get to meet her mom, as I’d only ever seen her dad at class.
She then shyly told me in her own five-year-old way that her mommy didn’t live with her daddy and she only saw her mommy sometimes. Her face was shrouded in doubt and shame in a way that I immediately recognized as a mom with a blended family of my own.
I explained to her that I have a five-year-old little boy of my own and his daddy doesn’t live in the same house as I do. I watched her eyes grow wide and yet another smile take over her face as she listened to me. She had clearly not known that other kids lived the same way she did and was fascinated. She asked me if my little boy went to her school. I said that I didn't think so, but that he was in kindergarten just like she was. I made sure she knew that she wasn’t alone. She wasn’t the only one living in this type of situation. She was normal.
Isn’t that what all kids want to be? “Normal.”
I know there is a lot of shame around that word sometimes, but what children really long for is to fit in with their peers. While we do need to nurture their differences and what makes each child unique, we should remember that in their young minds the differences that they did not choose, such as having divorced parents, can make them feel isolated. When we help them see that they’re not alone in the very thing they feel makes them less than, we can foster a spirit of acceptance that can help them flourish.
I did finally meet that little girl’s mom at the end of the dance recital. Despite not being at a single rehearsal all year, her daughter was over-the-top thrilled to have her mom there supporting her.
I’m not sure what the story was with her parents, but honestly, it doesn’t matter to me. I could speculate about a lack of involvement on the moms part. I could reason that our class day happened to fall on her dad’s time with her each week and that’s why mom had never been to rehearsal. I could imagine her mom working out of town often to help support her family. But no matter the circumstances, this little girl had two parents who loved her. Even if her mom hadn’t been there that day, this child was happy and healthy. And because of my conversation with her that day about my son, she now knew she wasn’t the only child in the world with parents who do not live together.
As she grows up, I am sure this will be a topic kids start talking about more in school. I hope that she finds out that she is even more normal than she realizes when she begins to understand just how diverse families can be. I hope that she never feels shame for the decisions her parents made when she was very young. I hope she can hold her head high and know that her parents did the best they could in the situation they were in.
It is easy to think that children who come from broken homes must be damaged in some way. But it really doesn’t have to be that way. Not at all.
It is easy to think that children who come from broken homes must be damaged in some way. But it really doesn’t have to be that way. Not at all.
Regardless of how anyone may feel about the sanctity of marriage, the reality is that divorce happens. Helping children understand that they are not alone is the best way that I know of to manage all of the emotions that come with being a child from anything other than a household with their two biological parents living together. I am a fan of all kinds of families. It is important to support blending not only stepfamilies but adopted families, foster families, surrogate families, and every sort of way that people can come together to become a family unit.
It is important to support blending not only stepfamilies but adopted families, foster families, surrogate families, and every sort of way that people can come together to become a family unit.
I see so many news stories and hear stories from people in my own life about the beauty of adoption and honoring families of origin. When we spread awareness and find acceptance for every kind of family, it helps us all. If we normalize the notion that family comes in many different forms, we help our children understand that they are loved just as much as their nuclear family counterparts. No matter where they come from or how their family looks, they have a place in the world and that place is just as important as anyone else’s.
Just because a child has two homes, step parents, step or half siblings, celebrates multiple holidays in different ways, has to travel long distances to see a parent, or whatever else may come when a child has divorced parents, that does not define a child’s worth.
Just because a child has two homes, step parents, step or half siblings, celebrates multiple holidays in different ways, has to travel long distances to see a parent, or whatever else may come when a child has divorced parents, that does not define a child’s worth. The same should be said of adopted children, or children born via surrogate, with same-sex parents, or living in foster care. A child’s lot in life is not defined by the family unit they are a part of, but by how they use their God-given gifts — whether big or small — to bless the world. If we come from a place of love and acceptance for all children, we can help mold the next generation into a group of adults who leaves the world a better place than the generation that came before them.
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