When I say relative discontentment I’m not talking about being discontent with your relatives, although I fully understand that for some people that particular struggle is very real. What I’m talking about here is being discontent compared to those around you. This is something I have observed and pondered over for many years and goes hand in hand with some rather odd human behaviour.
So to put this into a little more context for you; have you ever bought a new car or a new phone and been elated at your new purchase? Or logged into your socials and been greeted by a new 50+ followers. Feels great right? Surely no one could be discontent with that?
Now imagine you’ve pulled up in your new car at home to see that your neighbour also has a new car and *gasp* it’s slightly better than yours. Maybe you have the 3-door, red option, but the neighbour has the 5-door, black little number instead with a built in sat-nav and enviable heated seats.
Then you walk into work later that week and show your colleague your 50 new followers on your shiny new phone only for them to produce the same phone, but the next model up displaying their thousands upon thousands of Twitter followers.
Suddenly, the things you were proud of are now a source of discontentment because, relative to those around you, they now seem ‘not as good.’
Sadly, from my observations this stretches further than just the things we own and the products we buy. We compare everything. Your partner greets you from a hard day at work with a beautifully cooked meal, but then you find out your friend’s partner greets them with a meal, a candlelit bath and a glass of wine.
Does that make your partner’s sweet gesture any less sweet? No, but the human mind is fatally flawed to always look at what others have and see our own discontentment. How can we be happy when we focus on what we are missing, rather than what we already have?
Even children do it, and for those of you that are parents, you will know all too well the scenario whereby your child discards a toy only to cry when someone else picks it up and they suddenly want the toy back. This is frequently accompanied by the well-known phrase ‘oh they only want it because your child has it.’ As such, it would appear that this is something that evolves with age and we carry with us into adulthood.
Social media and the growing ‘show off’ culture have only served to enhance this feeling of discontentment. We share our lives online, and in turn we open ourselves up to judgement as we compare ourselves to those around us.
Social media and the growing ‘show off’ culture have only served to enhance this feeling of discontentment. We share our lives online, and in turn we open ourselves up to judgement as we compare ourselves to those around us. So, how do we tip this practice on its head and endeavour to be happy? Not only for ourselves, but for those around us? Well don’t despair, I have a theory, which I have wrapped up into the next example below:
A friend of mine has a great job, working Monday to Friday 9-5 and that job provides enough money to support their house, lifestyle and family. Despite the general irritation everyone has with work, this person was, all things considered happy with their work and home life.
That is until an acquaintance of theirs announced a new promotion. The promotion came with an impressive title and I’m assuming an equally impressive wage. It involved regular travel and important meetings with important people.
In comparison, friend one now felt somehow inferior and discontent with their job. Conversations evolved around looking for a new job and maybe doing enhanced training to be in a better position for promotion, even though they didn’t really want to be promoted.
This conversation seemed alien to me. I couldn’t understand why this person wanted to willingly swap jobs for something that would include more travel, more meetings and inevitably more stress to earn more money that they didn’t really need; and to do a job that they didn’t really want to do.
I pointed this out, along with the phrase ‘how lucky you are’ that you don’t need more money, you don’t need more stress, and you get to spend your time with your family rather than travelling endless hours.
It seemed a simple concept to me, if you decide that you are content with what you have and don’t buy into the social competition that seems to plague us all, it is amazing how happy you can be without changing anything other than just your state of mind.
Invest your time and attention into what you have and enjoy rather than in the pursuit of superiority.
So, the next time you are comparing yourself to the fables on social media and find yourself relatively discontent, think about what you do have. Do you really need that shiny new phone when the one you have does exactly what you need it to? Will that fast expensive car really get you to work any quicker assuming you stick to the speed limits? Instead appreciate your relationships, remember that your ‘things’ are just things, your achievements are hard-earned and should all be celebrated. Invest your time and attention into what you have and enjoy rather than in the pursuit of superiority.
As a final thought, here is a quote that I hope will resonate with you as much as it did with me the first time I heard it. “Love people, use things. The opposite doesn’t work.” Joshua Fields Millburn, Everything That Remains: A Memoir by the Minimalists
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