FOREWARD: Many thanks and much gratitude to Gillian for allowing me to participate in her Writing With Others Event! I had a lot of fun last year, it was a great opportunity to get my work in front of others, and stretch my wings. Thank you, Gillian, and may your enemies always be reminded that their parents had sex at least once!
Gillian’s theme this month was “joy.” I’m not the type of person who can just sit around and be joyful — blame it on watching raunchy TV shows on MTV in the 1990’s, or a steady diet of brain rotting video games for the Sega Genesis console, but I’m someone with a very particular funny bone. To sit and think about what makes me the most joyful, only one answer comes to mine: family friendly mayhem!
Mayhem comes in many forms and my favorite flavor of mayhem is the light “you weren’t hurt, but now you’ll always wonder what I’m capable of” kind of mayhem. My favorite place to get my daily dose of mayhem is the workplace! To celebrate my joyful feelings, allow me to present to you: the A.P. Miller Guide to Workplace Mayhem.
[DISCLOSURE]: the author is not responsible for your untimely, and well deserved, termination from your job. Should you elect to engage in such workplace antics, you shouldn’t be trusted around income practices anyways. You’ve been warned.
Tactic One: The “Oh, You Didn’t Get the Email” Gambit. Every workplace has that one asshole who is always in everyone else’s business. If it weren’t for this one person the sun would shine brighter, grass would be greener, and you’d might actually win the lottery. Chances are this workplace hemorrhoid noses in everyone’s business and has a fetish for gossip. In order to battle this workplace busy-body, take the following steps:
Walk into their office/cube/workspace with a grin like the cat that ate the canary.
Say to this person: “Can you believe the email we just got? I can’t believe so many people are being let go!”
When your colleague (who we’ll call “Dances with Douche”) says “What email?” you get stone faced and say “Oh. ...nothing.”
Leave the office and avoid them for the rest of the day.
You may be thinking to yourself “but A.P., it’s cruel to make someone worry about being terminated,” and you’d be right. However, I’d like to counter your sentiment with a question. Has this person ever cut you any slack? If not, then f*** ‘em.
Tactic Two: Religious Reasons. Admittedly, this tactic works better if you’ve already invented a fictional religion like I have. You can’t use an actual religion on the off chance the recipient of your chicanery is a practitioner, so you have to come up with a loosely plausible faith system, which you can quote at a moment’s notice. For this guide’s sake, we’ll assume I’m a practicing Homerite — a follower of Homer Simpson.
Don’t want to try Martha’s Potato Salad at the company picnic? You have to abstain for religious reasons. Our most venerated leader, Homer, was a man of labors and we can’t eat of the fruit of another labor while we labor. Think your boss’ joke sucked? Don’t laugh. Laughing at a joke that starts with “two guys walk into a bar” is sacrilege according to the Testimony of Bart. You think Mildred looks like two sloths are fighting to get out of her green dress on St. Patrick’s Day? Green is a sacred color, as our most venerated leader, Homer, toiled in the glow of green warmth.
This IS NOT making light of folks who have to abstain from things because of actual religious reasons. In fact, your workplace mayhem might even make an easier time for your faith-diverse colleagues. Maybe Jeff in Accounting will think twice before whining how annoyed he is that people are offended by his jokes. Maybe Marvin who delivers the disposable bidet tips won’t subtly cat-call the others in the office. If people have to wonder what may offend you, they will wonder what offends everyone. If your co-workers are offended because people are offended, then f*** ‘em.
Tactic Three: the Landmine. We all have that one co-worker that talks like they’re waiting for the paternity test results on the Maury Povich show. Let me be clear, this person is not your target, but your ammunition. Your target could be anyone, for any varying reason. Here’s how you set the landmine:
Wait for a moment when you, your target, and the landmine are in a communal space, or at least one where everyone is in earshot.
During a moment of pause, you pick a topic that the landmine is passionate about, and you tell the landmine that the target was asking about that subject. (Ex: “Hey, Tim, Henry over here was talking about global warming, you follow that, right?”)
Walk away, leaving the target in the blast radius.
Sure, the target can also walk away, but they’re getting heat no matter what they do. If they walk away, they look like an a**hole. If they stay, they have to endure a marathon ear-f***ing. That’s why it’s called the landmine.
Tactic Four: Job Shadowing. It may seem like old-hat, making someone fear for their employment, but hitting someone in the wallet is how you make it hurt. For this tactic, you need some time where you being away from your job duties won’t be noticed. You approach a co-worker you dislike, with a pad and pen, and do the following:
Ask them what their daily duties are.
Ask them where they keep their lists of clients & contacts.
If they ask why, you tell them that Dave Benton, the Regional Supervisor of Processes asked you to compare your position to another, and then say nothing else.
Randomly ask your co-worker if there isn’t a more efficient way to do that task.
Curtly say “I’ve seen all I need to see here. Thank you for your time,” and leave without explanation.
What makes this even better is that your co-worker is going to go to their supervisor and tell them — the supervisor won’t have the first clue who Dave Benton is, and then your co-worker looks like an a**hole twice. If their supervisor approaches you, you ask “Who is Dave Benton?” This is Multi-Layered Mayhem © (2021-2022 A.P. Miller)
Finally, Tactic Five: Micro-Mayhem. Everything we’ve discussed so far requires planning and strategy. Sometimes you need single-serve mayhem for one-use chicanery. Here are some of my favorites:
Cut out paper spiders or roaches and tape them to the inside of lamp shades.
Cut a square of post-it and put it on the bottom of an optical mouse.
Take a picture of the president of the company, and cut out miniature versions, and tape them to conspicuous places in the bathroom. It weirds people out.
Take all of the condiments in the communal fridge and arrange them alphabetically, OR, numerically according to their calories. Co-workers will notice a difference and won’t be able to figure out your reasoning.
Take blank pieces of paper, fold them in an envelope, and label them “two week notice.” Leave these hanging out on your desk. If your boss opens one, you know he’s an a**hole. Regardless, he’s going to sweat it out.
Thank you for reading my guide to workplace mayhem! Don’t blame me when you get fired, it’s your own fault.
Thank you again to Gillian for the opportunity to be seen on her blog and I’ll look forward to doing it next year!
Sincerely,
The Reigning Archduke of Mayhem
A.P. Miller
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