While at my writers’ group today, one of the members referred to me as their “fearless leader”. I immediately laughed. The very idea that I’m fearless in the face of anything is just inaccurate. I’m a person who thrives on anxiety to the point where it’s practically an entity I could call a best friend. I am honestly not sure what I would do if, for even one moment of my life, I wasn’t some degree of stressed. What would that look like? I wish I knew…
I do suppose that I’m a leader, but more so by necessity. I needed this writers' group, so I created it, but I don’t consider myself its most valuable member. I get so much by meeting monthly with these individuals. They help me get out of my own way. They remove the tunnel vision.
But the point of this ramble is this… are any leaders truly fearless? Oh sure, some look unafraid, but perhaps they are just practiced actors.
When I first began interviewing for jobs, I used my training as a stage actress (minimal high school-age extracurricular training mind you) to bind my anxiety up into a tight ball and let it burst through in my performance. I would be hyperventilating backstage, but the moment my feet hit the boards to enter, a calm would take over and use that pent-up energy and channel it into something else. I was still very much afraid. I would only be able to breathe fully after exiting stage left.
I recall another conversation with a former boss who said I interviewed well. I had been making fun of myself saying that I was smiling and giggling incessantly like a goon during our multi-round interview process and he said that he didn’t remember that at all. He got the impression that I had been sure of myself and happy.
How misleading a smile can be…
Fear propels me forward. If I want something and fear it won’t come to pass, I make it happen. If I’m worried that a presentation won’t be perfect, I work extra hard to ensure every element is as perfect as possible before I show it to anyone. If I’m working on a team project and I see another team member floundering, I reach out to help them so we can move forward together.
When I lead, I do so because I feel I must. Others who lead likely feel the same. We lead because it is impossible to go on not doing so. We still have fear, but we don’t let it stop us.