Everyone across the world is talking about how messed up 2020 has been so far. Mostly because of coronavirus (COVID-19). Mostly because they have had to quarantine for the first time in their lives. Everyone has been impacted in one way or another, but it's not why my 2020 has been hit hard.
In January, when COVID-19 in the UK was a muttered swirl of speculation, I sent my Dad a photo of my son. It was the evening of January 5th and he was playing in a pop-up tent he'd been given for Christmas. I snapped the pic and immediately sent it off to my son's favourite person in the world—his Papa. There was nothing different about that evening, except it would be the last.
On January 6th my Dad died. It was sudden, brutal, and traumatic. For him, it was likely very peaceful, but for my Mum and sister who tried to save him—for all of us who stood in the hallway waiting for the paramedics to save him…it was surreal. He stopped breathing. His heart stopped. He died. My 2020 was done from that moment onwards.
As a family, our quarantine experience has been infused with grief and mourning for someone we loved. We had to make quarantine decisions that other people likely didn't have to make. Would my Mum manage for weeks or months on her own? Would I manage in that scenario? In the end, we all piled into my Mum's house and locked down together. Except we were not together—we were a family member down and, for the first time, we were facing the world as a new unit.
In March and April we would comment to each other on how many days or weeks it had been since Dad died. We would look over at the far side of the living room where he passed, and we would feel the absence. We were locked in with our grief. There was no escaping it - we couldn't meet people for distractions; or go out for the day; or visit his grave. Processing grief in those conditions has been impossible and it feels like only now have we come out of denial.
But it's not all bleak. We were given a break from the outside world for a while where we could sit with our loss. Quarantine provided us with time together as a family. We made memories. We celebrated birthdays over Facetime, dropped a makeshift Easter card through a friend's door, sunbathed in the garden, and consumed more apple pie than is socially acceptable. Yes, we grieved—we still are—but we also adapted to what our family looks like now. Quarantine gave us time that we never would have had.
I learned that those moments of quality with people I love are irreplaceable. They could be taken any minute. Quarantine has been hard for many, but I continue to remind myself that I have been given time I normally never have. I can enjoy being at home. My local area has never felt more appealing. There are parks to walk around, TV shows to binge, snacks to be indulged in, toys to be played with, and lazy days to thrive in. I've not had to pass acquaintances in the street and tell them "I'm fine," when I'm not. That time is now ending, but I can slowly emerge from quarantine with a stronger soul.
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