I have always feared that I am a little less than others. A little less cared for. A little less noticed. A little less liked or loved. This isn’t to say that I don’t come from a family that makes me feel fully loved. Nothing could be further from the truth. This deep-seated fear comes from my friendship and career history.
Friendships
When I was younger, I moved a lot. While my stepmum and father chose to settle in New Hampshire (where I ended up spending the majority of my mid-late childhood), I experienced that state as well as Vermont, Massachusetts, Maine, and Arizona with my mother (multiple locations in each). Needless to say, making connections wasn’t easy and the ones I did make, ended.
In third grade, I met my first real friend group. Three girls with varied interests, all of which I loved dearly. The best of the best in my mind though was E. E and I were practically inseparable until her parents moved her to North Carolina. Since then… we have lost connection.
Another good friend of mine from high school, J, also moved to North Carolina and lost touch with me. It began to feel like a pattern… and it resulted in me having a lot of close friends, but I was never anyone’s one and only*.
*I DO have two best friends, but they have multiple best friends, so it is not a traditional setup.
I had two other super close friends in high school, C and M. C moved away too. M ended up getting some serious abuse from me in senior year (I actually went as far as to verbally cut her off from me) because by the time friend three left me and never looked back, I was completely convinced this is how it was always going to be. We have since re-connected and are closer than ever.
I began to break that pattern when I met my husband. We had a long-distance relationship for many years (since the end of junior year of high school, in separate high schools). However, in breaking the pattern, I totally took out all of my issues on him. We would break up… sometimes nightly. This continued up until college when he finally broke up with me for… three hours. We have been solid since then.
In the meantime, my other best friend who I met in college, B, also moved away from me. She’s the kind of person who lights up a room and everyone wants to know. I get openly jealous sometimes of the people who get to be around her. It has been almost five years since I’ve seen her now, thanks to COVID and scheduling, but I have faith that when we do see each other again, it will be like picking up where we left off.
My friends are scattered and I often feel very alone. My visual artwork used to reflect this, now my writing has stepped in to paint the picture.
Career
Aside from friendship separations, I have a history of being “second best” in my career. This started right out of the gate post-college. Honestly, it started in college, but I digress…
The first job I ever really wanted had me go through a gauntlet of three interviews. I all but had it (verbal affirmations up the wazoo), when they dropped the bomb on me that the person they were replacing… decided not to leave. Seriously? YES!
Ever since then, it has been a similar story. Things I have heard:
“You’re great, but there was someone with JUST A BIT MORE EXPERIENCE.”
“We decided to promote from within! But you were our top external.”
“Can we keep your resume on file?” *proceeds to never call*
“It was between you and one other person, but the other person knows someone here.”
“Honestly, you have too many ideas.”
“We had the offer written up, but then this candidate with 15 years specifically in the area you would be working in came in and we’d be silly not to hire them.”
I also found a dream job around the corner from my house and it was taken from me due to the pandemic…
Recently, I finally earned a spot working at a place I’ve wanted to be a part of for almost ten years, and I’m incredibly grateful, but years of that kind of narrow rejection have made me constantly look over my shoulder and trust… no one.
The Takeaway
So when someone offers me something, I still think… “Why me?”
When someone wants to know me, I still ask, “Really?”
When someone tells me I’m successful, I laugh.
Because, despite beating the odds on a regular basis, I always consider myself to be a little less important or interesting than others. I’ve been told I’m intimidating because of this attitude, so please, keep asking me to do things! Keep reaching out! Keep saying hello. I do want to know you and I do want to engage. Some of us just don’t believe that others want us at all.