Self-Awareness Overload by Gillian Barnes (@geezfresh)

I can’t believe the close of another round of #GBWritesWithOthers is upon us and now it's my turn to share why I've learned. It's hard to pick just one subject as I feel like this period of time has been one of constant pivoting, but I would say (and yes, it is an umbrella term) I have learned the most about self-awareness.

Being alone with yourself is hard. I mean, in my case I live with a partner, so I haven't been fully alone like some people (side note: you are warriors!), but for many more hours than is typical I have been "alone with my brain."

I can't plan everything. Damn.

I write about this a lot, so I apologize for the re-hash, but it is sort of necessary to explain my next point. I'm a strategist. I plan everything. Guess what can't happen during a pandemic? Planning. During this time my first response was to plan, backup plan, and triple backup plan. Planning calms me, but the fact is, most of that planning was for naught.

However, despite my initial disappointment in finding this out (and all-out depression some days), I have learned that I can think about different situations without committing. I can run numbers and dream without execution. This has been valuable to me as I now know how to roll with it (as much as my personality will allow) much better than I have in the past.

Self-care is hard.

The first few months of quarantine left me confused. I lacked a routine. I wanted to sleep in like a slug, and I let myself do that. Now let me tell you, that was the first mistake. Pre-pandemic, as I have never been a morning person, I would wake myself up 1-2 hours early to get ready. No, I'm not a prima donna with my makeup etc., what I mean is that I need time to mentally awaken. It takes me several cups of coffee, a shower, and really, just time to be my best. In the beginning, I let that slip. Don't get me wrong, I still got things done, but I didn't feel good about them.

I also bit my nails to an absurd degree, indulged in extra calories, and really just lived a very sumptuous life. As punishment, I put on some extra weight, lost a significant amount of energy, and withdrew from many things that made me happy. It was a bad scene.

Recently, I started changing that. I started nightly tea drinking to calm my body and mind. I began painting my nails so that I couldn't bite them as easily (truly gross habit...but that's me!). I got into playing story and planning-based games to calm myself (Stardew Valley). And finally, I started this project back up to force myself to reengage with the writing community on Twitter and beyond.

I still have more work to do. For example, at some point I have to get into a consistent workout schedule, but I am now in a much healthier place where I am prioritizing what makes me happy and calm.

I have two selves, and they need to blend better. No more 50/50 split.

We all have different character traits, but during these past few months I've realized I have two distinct personalities. The first is the CEO and that woman runs things. She gets sh*t done. She knows what's best and won't hear anything else. She's kind of awful sometimes and she has not been thriving during quarantine.

The second is a sort of homebody. She enjoys freshly washed laundry. She likes reading books and having multiple hour philosophical conversations. She dreams about traveling and appreciates beauty. Someday, she might buy a house in Maine or Kyoto and never come back. She writes when inspiration strikes and when she is obligated to. She cares about her family and friends above all else. This latter person is who I am becoming, with a dash of the former.

My goals and intensity have netted me promotions and other accolades, but they have also made me unhappy. I have realized that I can still maintain a bit of the CEO while relaxing. It's okay. I like that. I am going to strive to be an 80/20 person from here on out with the calmer Gillian running things and the CEO in check. She's still valuable, but sometimes ambition needs to take a backseat to mental health.

I ask too much of people.

I don't think it's a secret that sometimes I hold people up to the standards I set for myself (which are quite high, and sometimes ridiculous). I've stopped doing that as much. In one particular instance, and for anonymity I will keep this as blanket as possible, I learned about someone's home life and it changed how I look at how they achieve things. People are genuinely trying their best and they all have different levels of achievement etc. I am really trying to see people more fully now (I can't promise I will uphold this 24/7, but I am TRYING).

I want what my parents have.

Oh, dear. This isn't the first time I've written about my stepmother being correct, and trust me, it won't be the last. In the past, she and father mentioned leaving me my childhood home. It made sense as I am an only child, but I remember distinctly firing back with "well, I'm just going to sell it. There's no way I will live in New Hampshire." I believe I even made an ICK noise.

That girl was CRAZY! These days I've found myself dreaming of inheriting or purchasing that home. It's a place of possibilities. I see my husband and I raising children of our own there, eventually finishing the basement and making an art studio in it, or even planting a full-blown garden...I think I only see it now because I've had time to sit with my priorities and realize what they need to be as opposed to what I thought they should be. I'm officially old, nostalgic, and focused on going gray happily at the age of 33. What is happening?

The new Gillian

When we emerge from this time, I think we will all be different, and that certainly isn’t a bad thing. I will still be career-focused, but I will tamper that with a deep respect for others. Here’s to 2021 because 2020 is almost in the rearview mirror.

Quarantine University by A.P Miller (@Millerverse)

[FOREWARD]: I want to thank Gillian, to the fullest extension of gratitude, for the opportunity to participate in her “Writing With Others” event. Essentially, she is giving me an opportunity to have my work and style to be seen by her readers and that consideration is valuable. Thank you, the reader, for the time and energy you are spending on reading my contribution — thank you, Gillian, for allowing me the opportunity to exist within your creative universe!

What did I learn from #QuarantineLife? I’ve had the opportunity to meditate on how this era in time will shape me. I’ve learned a lot about life and myself. You could say that I’ve received an education in self from the Quarantine University. I began writing this blog with the intent of being serious and introspective, but that’s just not my style. So, for your entertainment, I’ve put together a course listing for my freshman year at Quarantine University.

There’s something very important that I need you to know: when faced with something stressful or worrisome, the members of my family elect to laugh at it. It’s a perfectly natural stress response and it’s how we’ve coped with the worst that life can throw at us. When you read my blog, scratch your head and ask “how did this knucklehead make it this far in life?”, just keep in mind that I have navigated the Quarantine and pandemic by allowing myself to laugh at it.

[DISCLAIMER]: The following are fictional courses that I would have to take and are not intended as commentaries towards any individual or generation.

Quarantine University
Home of the Fightin’ Immune Systems
Course Listing - Fall Semester
Student: Miller, A.P.

Intro to Telecommuting - (2 Credits) - the basic concepts and etiquette of working from home and engaging colleagues through a teleconferencing platform. Major topics of study include:

• Muting the microphone when flatulence occurs.

• When and where not to wear pants while working from home.

• Making sure you are in the right chat window when you want to tell a coworker that if your boss had their head any further up their own butt, they’d have to pad their shoulders with toilet paper.

• When “Quarantine Hair, Don’t Care” is and is not the appropriate hill to die on.

Final project will be an endurance test of how long you can sit at your computer without checking social media on your phone.

Domestic Engineering 191 - (3 Credits) - An intense focus and study on living in a world where going to a restaurant or grabbing a quick bite just isn’t an option. Primary learning for these points are:

• Planning to prepare sustenance over a period of a few days or weeks.

• Proper refrigeration.

• How the smell test is not accurate...ever.

• Medium rare chicken is not a thing and it will kill you.

Your final grade will be assessed on whether or not you starve to death.

Interperson Relationships 110 - (2 Credits) - So you have no one to socialize with but yourself, and let’s be honest: no one likes that person, not even you. This course will take you through the intricacies and nuances of coming to terms with your garbage personality. Course focus:

• Yes, you are annoying when you chew.

• Well no one else has been through your apartment/house/dorm, I guess you are the one leaving all the messes around the place.

• Is it a drinking problem if you have no choice but to socially drink alone?

• Was your last break up your fault and are they better off without you?

Final project: keeping a log of how many bad habits you’ve eliminated vs. adopted.

Social Media Etiquette and Execution 119 - (2 Credits) - This course is a reminder that everything you say and do on the internet is forever, especially your social media presence. The things you say and post online will haunt you. Course highlights:

• Are you trying to open the eyes of the masses or going out of your way to be an a**hole? Knowing the difference.

• Reading the virtual room — is now the appropriate time to share your opinions on world events?

• If you didn’t take a picture of what you ate, did you really even eat it?

• Dodging your grandma’s questions about what internet acronyms mean.

Your final grade will be determined by reading Facebook posts from people you went to high school with and determining the most appropriate response between “say nothing” and “are you ***ing kidding me?!”

Reintegration into Civilization 183 - (4 Credits) - You aren’t going to be living like a hermit forever, and will eventually have to interact with people again. This course is designed to sharpen and maintain the skills you may have lost while in quarantine and lockdown. Course objective:

• Remembering what personal space is and how to respect it.

• There are consequences for mouthing off to other human beings and there is no anonymity to protect you when you do it in public.

• When is the appropriate time to comment on how much weight someone has gained in quarantine: never.

• Personal grooming is no longer an option, but necessity.

The final exam will be a combination of multiple choice questions, essays on how to speak with other human beings, and a teleconference simulation of actual human interaction.

Recommended courses for Spring Semester:

• Appropriate Workplace Speaking Volume 201

• Managing Separation Anxiety in Pets Now That You Have to Go Back To Work 226

• Reversing the Damaging Effects of Having Been Able to Use Rampant Vulgarity Without Moderation or Consequence 291

Have a Wonderful Semester!

Thank you all, again, for reading my work and allowing myself in your realm of notice! It is my sincere hope that you all are taking every precaution to stay healthy and happy! 

Sincerely,
-A.P.

If you enjoyed this piece, please follow A.P. Miller on Twitter @Millerverse. ‬

Suffering As A Teacher by ASH (@ASHnovelist)

I want to look at the question itself: What did I learn from quarantine life?

There’s a famous Bryant McGill quote that, “suffering is one of life’s great teachers.” But I don’t think it’s a kind teacher, nor a compassionate one. I think it’s the kind of teacher that barks orders, punishes fast, expects too much from its students. I think what makes suffering such a great teacher, is that it’s effective at making you retain information. However, I don’t think that we always learn the right lessons from our suffering, simply that we feel an overwhelming need to prevent this suffering in the future. Our minds come up with reasons for our suffering but those reasons might not have any basis in fact. Our brains may create coping mechanisms, but they might not be healthy for our long-term survival.

For those of you who don’t know who I am, I’m ASH. I’m a coward who hides behind an icon instead of showing their face. I’m scared of a lot of things, I try to please others because I don’t want confrontation, and I don’t know who I am. I think that these flaws, and many others, exist within me because of my childhood abuse. I was made to suffer and so I learned. I learned to associate common household objects with abuse. I learned to do what others want so they won’t focus their aggression towards me. I learned to never be certain with my beliefs because I was constantly told that those beliefs were wrong. These are lessons that might’ve helped me when I was young and under attack, but as an adult, they keep me from being happy and they keep me from being able to make connections. These are lessons that I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to unlearn.

Nice sob story. Boohoo who cares, right? I’m inclined to agree, but I feel like my suffering can help to explore this issue without things getting personal. I think there’s something deeper at the heart of the question: “what did you learn from quarantine?” And that’s the false assumption that suffering MUST be meaningful. Every horrible thing that happens to us has to have a reason, right? But why?

When bad things happen to us, we react, we cope, we recuperate, and then we evaluate; not necessarily in that order. When we evaluate our suffering, our brain is looking to prevent this horrible thing from happening again. If only I had checked my emails before walking out the door, I wouldn’t have gotten in that fender bender. If I had slowed down sooner, the car would’ve seen me. But this isn’t always true. Not all moments of suffering are preventable. It didn’t matter if I stopped playing with dinosaurs, or stopped reading about dinosaurs, or read about Greek Mythology, or studied mathematics. I was always going to be dumb and immature to my abuser. It was never about what I did, it was about them having power over me. There was no way for me to stop my abuse by changing my behavior. Similarly, sometimes you just get hit by another car.

There isn’t always a lesson to be learned from suffering. We want to believe that there’s some great lesson to learn so that it will never happen again. That impulse is strong and very human and I don’t want to shame people for having such a natural reaction, but we are not machines. We are capable of thinking about how we come to conclusions and why. When something bad happens, there isn’t always a way to stop it. I couldn’t stop my abuse because I never even knew to recognize it as abuse. With great introspection and understanding, we can recognize when we are powerless and fight the urge to jump to false conclusions that make us feel better about the future.

Moving into quarantine, I knew that I was troubled and flawed and weighed down by whatever undiagnosed mess the psychologists would call my mind. What I didn’t understand was how badly I had self-isolated before any of this began. My fear of socializing took my friends from me. It did it by degrees, convincing me that a phone call was too little, or that they were probably too busy to make time for me. Then my brain told me that I was a low-value friend and that all of my interactions with them were negative. Then it repackaged every conversation I ever had with them and turned it into a highlight reel of them being disgusted with me and them lying to feel good by taking pity on someone so repugnant. Six months before Quarantine started, I’d told my best friend that talking to them caused me anxiety and we stopped talking.

It took me a while to realize the truth of my situation. Much of my failings, my decreased memory, my mood, my appetite, were starting to be picked up by other people. Now that the world was in isolation, I started to see the true impact of isolation on the human mind. As bad as I was, my fears had only made things worse. The lessons of my suffering were only causing more suffering.

So I’m a mental wreck, who cares? Well, the thing about big events is that there aren’t easy answers. If a tornado hits your house while you were wearing a blue shirt, never wearing a blue shirt won’t protect you from tornadoes. So when buildings are hit by airplanes our minds aren’t okay with that. There has to be a reason! There must be something we can do to make sure a President is never shot again. That’s when conspiracy theories start. That’s when people believe that vaccines cause autism. COVID-19 will cause a flood of new conspiracy theories about how the youth, the left, the conservatives, the elderly, the government, or the corporations engineered a virus to kill hundreds of millions of lives. (I really hope we don’t match Spanish Flu numbers.) What’s important is that we don’t fall into that trap.

Suffering tries to force us to learn a lesson, but there’s never a guarantee that we’ll learn something useful. I think that on an individual level we can all learn a lot about ourselves during quarantine, but I don’t think that this pandemic should be the time to learn big lessons about the nature of the human mind or make sweeping generalizations about a group of people. I learned that I like kombucha, but only if it’s flavored rose or pomegranate. I learned that I have a lot of trouble working in the same room as my partner. I learned that hugging a stuffed parakeet can help me cope as an adult. I learned that I can’t live without friends even if having them is physically painful. I didn’t learn why COVID-19 has killed far more Americans than any other country.

If you enjoyed this piece, please follow ASH on Twitter @ASHnovelist.

2020 Writer Roster: #GBWritesWithOthers

For the first time ever, I am going to publish the roster of #GBWritesWithOthers writers via its own post! This year, our theme (also a first…there has never been a theme before!) is “What I Learned from #QuarantineLife.” I believe there is a lot to be gained from others during this unprecedented year, so this is my effort to collect and share the knowledge, build our community, and foster cerebral bonds through the art of expression.

So here we go…by day:

September 1 Frank L Tybush V @FLTV_Writes

September 2 Erin Robinson @flossybunny

September 3 Emma Vale @EmmaValeWrites

September 4 ASH @ASHnovelist

September 5 Jared A. Conti @OracularBeard

September 6 James Murphy @mutabilisblog

September 7 U.L. Harper @ulharper

September 8 Renée Gendron @ReneeGendron

September 9 Alexa Rose @RoseRhigo

September 10 A.P. Miller @Millerverse

September 11 E. J. Dawson @ejdawsonauthor

September 12 Winter Krane @WinterKrane

September 13 Jamie Thomas @thatjamiethomas

September 14 Brenton Barnes @brentonsquared

September 15 Aubrey Medusa @AubreyMedusa

September 16 M. Hallrie (too cool for Twitter)

September 17 Erica Robyn @ericarobyn

September 18 Christopher Santoro @santorodesign1

September 19 Sherrie Gonzalez @sherrieberrie

September 20 M. Dalto @MDalto421

September 21 Rosemary Poppe @RosemaryPoppe

September 22 J.R.H. Lawless @SpaceLawyerSF

September 23 Cat Verlicco @growlette5

September 24 Sarah McGuinness (also too cool for Twitter)

September 25 T.M. Montgomery @TMMontgomery3

September 26 Mariana Serio @mstranslations

September 27 Michelle Peterson

September 28 Villimey Sigurbjörns @VillimeyS

September 29 Bethany Boggs @dreamgirlBA

September 30 Myself. Gillian F. Barnes @geezfresh

I am very excited about this group. Some of them I know quite well and some are complete strangers. Some don’t even bill themselves as writers (though many are involved in creative industries and the arts). I appreciate each and every one of them and hope you will support them this coming September.